Pale girl spends ten minutes in summer sun without burn, claims miracle

The sun was pouring down on a hot July day, but Rhianna Banson wasn’t worried. The fair-skinned 23-year-old had just experienced a miracle. Just yesterday, she had ventured out into the sun accidentally without sunscreen, walked for ten minutes to her target location, and made it there without being burned.

“I never leave the house without sunscreen anymore. Not after the day I walked outside and was literally burnt from head to toe before I had locked the door behind me,” she said. “I even once got burnt on the inside of my belly button! Who gets burnt on the inside of her belly button? People with my color, that’s who.”

Banson claims to “respect the sun” and has not left the house without sunscreen on in 10 years. But this particularly sunny July day, she claims she just ‘forgot’ to apply it. She was shocked to have made it to her destination unharmed.

“I started crying and thanking God for His mercy. The people at the coffee shop were pretty confused. I wanted to walk to the church down the road and pray, but that would have meant another ten minute walk, so I figured I wouldn’t push my luck,” Banson recounts.

When asked if Banson would begin to venture outside again without sunscreen, she laughed and simply stated, “I’m not sure you caught this the first time…I’ve been burnt on the inside of my belly button.”

Black man named Berry highly coveted at office strategy meeting

At a recent office strategy meeting, the ‘new guy’ a black man named Berry Fohn was all the rage. Many people sat starting at him, fascinated by all the bells and whistles he brought with him to the meeting and how efficient their work place had become since black Berry was introduced.

“I don’t know how we ever lived without him!” says co-worker Jane Porter, excitedly. “Every since everyone met Berry, our lives have changed forever. He’s a great communicator, always keeping everyone in touch through texts, calls, and emails. He can even keep all our dates and times straight in his memory.” She adds, with even more enthusiasm, “And he knows everything! We simply ask him a question and within a couple minutes, he’s got the answer! I want him with me at all times, everywhere I go!”

This is not news to black Berry. “People get really excited and possessive of me wherever I go. Some have even gone through withdrawals if they haven’t seen me in a few hours. It’s kind of intimidating. I mean, after all, I’m just a Fohn, after all. Nothing special.”

But his office disagrees. His boss, Arnold T. Torbold, adds, “If I could, I would get a black Berry Fohn for every single person in the office to help them all become more efficient, better workers.”

Until then, black Berry Fohn continues to help out as much as he possibly can at his new job.

Trail mix transforms from delicious to bland with consumption of final chocolate chip

Jack Redd sits on his couch looking longingly at a bowl of trail mix. “I don’t know what happened,” he says with tears nearly swelling up in his eyes. “I kept going for the chocolate pieces because they taste the best but they were mixed in with trail mix so I figured they had to be good for me. And suddenly, they were gone.” He gets emotional again, “And now I don’t want any of it anymore!”

This isn’t an isolated incident for Redd. The self-proclaimed chocoholic admittedly loves to go for the sweets and chocolate in his trail mixes. But over the years, his desire to finish the rest of the trail mix once the sweets are gone, has continuously diminished.

“I just wish there were some way to make a trail mix with nothing but chocolates in it so I wouldn’t always run into this problem,” he adds. When asked if he had ever considered buying a bag of chips separately or a simple candy bar, he responded, “Oh, I’m very health conscious. I would never think of buying that stuff alone. The sugar and fat are very bad for you, you know.”

Until a Redd and so many others who suffer from trail mix transformation issues can find a more permanent solution, he is stuck with a bowl of plain nuts.

College graduates saturate the market with corner lemonade stands

“That’ll be $2.50 without ice, and $3 for ice,” says Tina Gunter a 22-year-old graduate of Yale University. Gunter, like so many recent college graduates, has had a difficult time finding work in this floundering economy. So, she has decided to do what she did when she was younger and needed quick cash. She’s opened a corner lemonade stand in her neighborhood.

“I charge a moderate price for a quality product. I’m proud of what I do,” she claims. Quickly adding,“Of course I use my Yale education every day. I have to problem solve, you know. People ask me, ‘Why should I pay that much for a lemonade?’ and I tell them each person some different reason. I’m constantly thinking on my toes. It’s made me consider becoming a lawyer! If I can just make enough money this summer for law school…”

Gunter is not alone being a college-graduate-turned-entrepreneur of lemonade and other refreshing juice stands on corners of local neighborhoods. Mark Baker, a long-time resident of a quiet, residential street in Boston, claims, “They’re everywhere. They can’t find a job so they come here to drain the last bit of patience and money out of their parents and the rest of the neighborhood. They’re charging outlandish prices and berate you if you don’t stop for a lemonade on your way to work. It’s getting out of control.”

When asked if there was any competition for her corner lemonade stand, Gunter smirked. “Not anymore,” she said, smiling. “That six-year-old brat Heather Henderson tried to open up a lemonade stand last week right across the street from me. She was only charging 25 cents for her cups. I quickly put an end to that with a little mind trick I learned while in my sorority. Let’s just say, Heather will probably be scared of sugar for the rest of her life…” She winked, and quickly turned to yell at a neighbor who was trying to sneak into his car unnoticed.

Gunter is not sure what the future holds for her. She says if business keeps booming throughout the year as it did over the summer, she may never move out. Her parents declined to comment and the neighbors were too busy running from her to answer any of my questions.

Visa falls short of its advertising promise when a new, desirable location is discovered

When Cassandra Hollander reached into her purse and pulled out her Visa card to pay for her time at a beautiful resort in remote Jackakookoo Island, she was in for a surprise. “The concierge looked at me and said, ‘I’m sorry. We don’t accept Visa here.’ I was shocked and appalled,” Hollander recounts. “My gut reaction was that it must not be somewhere I wanted to be. They said they’d be everywhere I wanted to be. I would never have thought Visa could lie to me.”

In order to pay for her stay at Jackakookoo Island, Hollander was forced to write a check. “It was embarrassing and took much longer than simply swiping the card like I usually do. A man even had to line up behind me for a few seconds before someone helped him at the front desk. I just felt awful about making him wait. Not to mention the cost of the ink it took to write the check. I get sick just thinking about it.”

Visa representatives declined to personally comment on the incident, issuing a simple press release stating, “We feel we have done no wrong here. Jackakookoo Island sounds made up. Whoever made that up could at least do more than simply slam their hands against a keyboard and claim whatever jibberish that came out was a real location.”

“We’ll just see how the people of Jackakookoo Island feel about that,” says Hollander. “All I want is for them to add ‘almost’ in front of ‘everywhere’. Is that so much to ask?”

Hollander continues to use her Visa card daily, but admits-much like her husband after his third affair-her trust in it is waining.

Vegans propose using human gas as quick-fix, organic alternative energy source

As petroleum prices continue to rise and the debate about finding alternative energy is as hot as ever, a small portion of the population is offering up a different solution. Vegans, in an attempt to reuse a higher percentage of their own waste, are offering up their gas as a powerful fuel source.

For the record, vegans are vegetarians who choose not to eat any product from an animal. This choice includes foregoing milk, eggs, cheese and all other forms of dairy products. As a result, many of the foods they do choose to eat, such as lentils and beans, cause them to produce a higher-than-normal amount of human gas. Also as a result of their diet, the gas is rather potent.

Recently, at their secret vegan meetings where they discuss how to convert more people to veganism and go on and on about their self-righteous ways, vegan Jared Ludlow proposed catching their gas and using it to fuel cars of the future. Ludlow explains his reasoning for the idea, “Every day I pass gas, and it can easily clear an entire room. And it does so very quickly. Something about vegan gas causes a great deal of movement in humans, so what if we can isolate what that is and apply it to our machines? They’ll be able to travel for days off just one of my dinners. Imagine if more people got involved!” He added, “Plus, it’ll be a great way to reduce our waste onto this earth through the atmosphere. Plus, it’s organic-and you know how important it is to have organic options. Plus, it’ll give us another excuse to feel better about ourselves compared to everyone else.”

As for the actual implementation of the organic gas solution, not much as been done. Most scientists scoff at the idea or dismiss it as tomfoolery. Ludlow has not given up hope, “All scientists are run by oil companies. It’s a proven fact. If we can just get through to them, they’ll understand how great our solution is.” When asked how he planned on ‘getting through’ to the science and research community, Ludlow answered simply, “Hugs. Long and awkward hugs.

Politicians contribute to childhood obesity by passing out candy at parade

Throughout the summer, many political hopefuls have been marching around their respective states, handing out candy and making a name for themselves amongst normal families. Normally this is an exciting and positive time for local communities.

For Belinda Werther of Middleton, Ohio, however, this is devastating to her family. “The parade route is right outside our back door, so we have to go check out every parade throughout the summer. And politicians-people supposedly concerned about my children’s future, are constantly handing out bits of candy. And…” she tears up, barely able to control herself, “…my kids are already so fat! And these politicans come in and give them more candy! It just feeds their sugar addiction! It’s awful.”

One politician, who only allowed us to use this quote if he remained unnamed, admitted to the complexity of the issue, “We have to choose the lesser of several evils here. If we hand out fruit, our hands could have germs on them that could get kids sick. Or, the fruit could be filled with pesticides and hormones, that it could have long-term issues. If we give out hugs, we are deemed as inappropriate and accused of all sorts of unsavory behavior. We have to give out candy. It’s the only option we’ve got left.”

For Werther, there’s no excuse. “It’s their fault my children are obese.” She began sobbing again and reaching for some ice cream for comfort food, claiming “I don’t know where they get the habit. It must just be genetic and there’s nothing I can do about it.” She takes a heaping spoonful of the ice cream and adds, “Nothing at all.”

*Authors note, the title of this story was from a contributing writer-though the content was from the usual source.

Michelle Obama grateful to use her Ivy League education as a fashion symbol

Just days after unveiling a sassy new ‘do, First Lady Michelle Obama is speaking out about her new role as a fashion icon. “It’s delightful!” She says, gleefully. “I finally get to use my Harvard and Princeton educations for something useful.”

“When I first graduated from Harvard Law, I was in debt, so I couldn’t really afford either the time or money to think about clothes and makeup. I had to work to pay off my loans, which didn’t take too long because I was very quickly making a great deal of money.” Even before the campaign, Obama admits that she remained unconcerned about fashion and trends. “I was a highly successful lawyer so I was always working.”

Now, however, she gets to spend her time smiling for photo opportunities and having heated debates about what type of shoe matches her look for the day. “It’s so invigorating,” she claims with a huge, somewhat-forced smile. “My only regret is that they didn’t have courses of fashion and makeup at Princeton or Harvard. But, I’ve already begun talks with many former professors about adding these courses so Ivy League women can finally have the opportunity to earn their MRS degree like their ancestors would have wanted.”

Until then, Obama continues to “keep it real” in the fashion industry, setting daily trends for women everywhere.

Humans working on a flu to transfer to birds and swine

With the recent spike in deaths from swine flu or the “H1N1 virus,” researchers have decided to approach this pending epidemic with more than just a vaccine. They are working on actually creating a flu virus that can transfer from humans to birds and swine.

The idea came from scientist Victoria Paduchik watching her child play on the playground one afternoon. Paduchik elaborates, “When he got shoved down by the playground bully, he didn’t just vaccinate himself from the bully. In fact, we’ve tried that before and the bully vaccine only works 60% of the time. Eventually, he started shoving the bully right back.” When asked if the tactic worked for her son, Paduchik didn’t go into much detail claiming it was hard to really tell who the winner was amongst all the blood. The point, for her, was that the bully had finally learned its lesson.

So, she applied that line of thinking to the flu virus, approaching her boss about finding a way to take out the entire bird and swine population with a powerful human-based flu virus in order to eliminate the risk of humans getting swine or bird flu. Her boss, lead researcher Archie Linden, was fully supportive of the idea. “Without wanting to sound too cliché, lets just say that the best defense is a good offense,” He added, “Lets just say what goes around comes around. We could really kill two birds with one flu-filled stone here. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, in this case,” And finally, out of nowhere, added one more, “Let’s just say, they’ll finally get a taste of their own medicine. Or virus, rather. The medicine doesn’t really exist. Oh, bother, you get what I mean.”

The controversial research remains inconclusive at this time, but continue to check in for periodic updates.

Katy Perry hits two consecutive notes; Fans surprised and thrilled.

In a surprising live performance of her hit songs “I Kissed a Girl” and “Hot and Cold,” singer Katy Perry actually hit two to three consecutive notes in tune. The pop star, known for her whiny and off-key voice that is consistently digitally enhanced on her hits, was as surprised as anyone else, saying “It was great. I couldn’t believe that was actually me singing. I thought maybe they started playing the digitally enhanced music over me because it was getting pretty bad out there…but maybe I’m improving after all!”

Jules Goshen, a fourteen-year-old fan of Perry, said she was delighted at the live performance. “I’m used to just hearing her squeal and whine out some of her notes, and usually simply saying the lyrics if the notes are too hard… but this time she actually hit some notes in key! I know I wasn’t the only one in the audience who was shocked. She’s really improving!” She added, “Maybe someday she won’t need any digital enhancement at all,” and then began laughing hysterically.

Perry has built her career as a singer not worried by her awful voice, stating “I’m just grateful I live in a time where a singer doesn’t have to be good at singing. That’s what we’ve got technology for! I can just walk around and act like I’m a big star, and eventually, people believe that I have talent. It’s wonderful!” When asked about a future as someone who could consistently hit notes with her voice, she added “Well, that’d be nice if it happened, but completely unnecessary to my career.”

Check out one of Perry’s many spectacular live performances and judge for yourself: